I wrote this poem about one’s struggles with Silent Borderline Personality Disorder……..
The other day was the first time I’d heard of BPD, so I looked it up on the internet.
Turns out I have it too.
So I decided to tell someone about it.
I was nervous about being judged.
I was scared about others finding out.
What I got in return was love and kindness and reassurance of their friendship, and reassurance that I was okay.
What I wanted was to feel normal.
I knew I wasn’t normal.
I knew there was something wrong with me.
But when I found out about BPD, a feeling of relief came over me.
To find out this thing that’s wrong with me has a name, and that others have it too,
Made me feel okay about trying to be the best I can be.
Some people around me think I’m a bit ‘cuckoo’. I sometimes play on that because it’s fun and never boring.
Other times I feel sad at being misunderstood.
But the ones who get me—the ones who understand,
They’re worth more than gold,
They’re worth more than anything in the world.
Since finding out about BPD, I look back at my life and become sad.
Sad at the people I’ve hurt.
Not knowing what I was doing came from a place of destruction—thinking only of myself yet destroying myself in the process.
I’ve destroyed friendships, relationships, estranged myself from people.
Abandoned people for fear of them abandoning me.
Sabotaging friendships believing they were going to leave.
Sabotaging myself with alcohol, cigarettes, caffeine, binge eating—whatever it took to stop feeling anything and stop the thoughts racing around in my head.
I am sorry for all the people I have hurt.
I am sorry I hurt you.
I am sorry for the shame I have brought upon my family and friends—who suffer by association.
I am sorry. Truly sorry.
I still have my hurts, insecurities, and moments of neediness.
I hope I don’t drain people of their energy just to make me feel better about myself.
I feel sad, but there is hope.
There is always hope
When things get me down, I mustn’t beat myself up about it.
I must be brave, I must be strong, I must overcome.
I can live with BPD and not let it cripple me.
I can live with BPD and live a life that’s free.
And with the right people around me it can make a whole lot of difference.
I know I can be me.’