I saw you with her
It broke my heart because that’s what I wanted from you
My feelings for you were real
And I’m sure you felt the same about me
But I believe we were too afraid to say how we truly felt
All she had to do was ask you straight up:
“Do you want to kiss?”
And you just jumped straight in.
It didn’t make sense
It still doesn’t make sense.
Would you have said yes to me if I’d asked instead?
Would you have jumped in without hesitation?
My heart feels heavy and sad thinking about it
But in letting those thoughts play out –
As hard as it was to see and feel them –
The truth hit hard – the truth hurt hard:
That I will never be able to compete with her.
She is so sure of herself, so comfortable, so confident, relaxed.
That’s why she just asked you straight up for that kiss
She wasn’t afraid to do that
And in that, you liked her strength and confidence to just go for what she wanted.
But when you kissed her I saw you look at me.
Was it I because you were wishing it was me?
Or were you trying to fill me with jealousy?
I was hurting inside because I really wanted you.
Why did I have to be so scared of my thoughts and feelings for you?
I swear you wanted me the same way I wanted you.
Why couldn’t WE have just gone for it and made that first move?
Now I live with the pain of my fear, indecision and rejection
And get angry at you for saying yes to her so easily.
Angry at her for not being afraid to go for what she wanted.
Angry at me for living in fear of making the first move.
Yet, in all of this anger, guilt and confusion I think I’ve found some clarity.
I think I’m ready to move on –
Even though I’m still hurting.
But I think I’m ready to move on and be free.